It's Okay To Not Know

"Oh hey mommy, what are you going to write?" Asked my five year old as I sat down on our couch, notebook and pencil in hand.

"I don't know buddy, " I responded with unease in my voice. And that was the truth.

I really don't know. I don't know why or how. For months I have felt God whisper in random moments " do it. write. just write."

Of course the chick inside my head that pretends to be the "planner girlie" responds with disgust, as I have no idea where to even start, or what topic to even choose to write about. The ADHD chick in my head is saying "OH we can write about this because of this, and because of this , and because I have to clean that one spot off of the one corner in the kitchen, then completely organize the cleaning supplies under the kitchen sink because its right next to that one spot...oh yeah, I'm supposed to be writing...." Then there is the Christian chick inside who is stressed about the "what if what I have to say is not Godly or Christian enough?" Then the people pleaser in me is like "Ask your husband or your best friend what they think you should write about." Then I come out of my own head into reality and realize I have all these chicks in my head arguing about what I should write about, leaving me in a full state of paralysis.

I don't have a plan. I haven't cleaned the spot off of that one place in the kitchen, which in turn means I have not organized the cleaning supplies. I will never be Christian enough, because believe it or not, I am not God, shocker, I know. And I will never make everyone happy.

As complicated as that all sounds, I do know one thing. I am here to share. I am here to open my mind and to be transparent with who I am. To use all the trials and experiences I have been through, all the knowledge I have, to in turn help someone else in their own process of not knowing.

The truth is, I don't think anyone really knows. I think we all, in the back of our minds, or the fronts, depending on the type of person you are, are still treading water doing what we can to survive. It has taken me thirty years to realize this, but I have finally come to the conclusion that it is okay not to know.

It is okay not to know.

At a young age, our society puts so much pressure on us to know what we are going to do for the rest of our lives. Pressure to know who we are going to be. We are constantly trying to blend in with what others around us are expecting from us. Creating unrealistic expectations in our own minds and for other people. We do all of the above without realizing that the decisions we make, the pressure we put upon ourselves, are shaped by the experiences we grew up with.

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I was taking a mid-day Sunday afternoon bath. My husband cleaned out all of the kids toys from our beautiful garden tub (because let's be real, my kids take more baths in it than I do). He lit candles, brought me wine and chocolate, put on the new Taylor Swift album, gave me a kiss, and closed the door so I could have a few moments to myself. It was all things glorious and terrifying. While I had a few moments to relax, I also had a few moments to get lost in my brain with my thoughts. I found myself thinking about an episode of Bluey where the Heeler family went to the beach for vacation. Mom was SO excited to get to the beach and relax. Everyone was taking forever to get ready. Dad ended up telling mom "you go ahead down, I've got the kids, you go relax." Mom was incredibly anxious and hesitantly (but with excitement) said , "okay are you sure?" Mom ended up going to the beach, sitting down trying to read, and didn't know what to do. She ended up going back up with her family and embracing dad admitting "I don't know how to relax."

I have never felt SO seen! Mom didn't know how to relax. She didn't know what to do because she had time to herself and no one to watch or take care of other than herself.

And that's okay.

I feel like that has been a huge theme in my life over the past year. Not knowing what to do or how to do it without having a "job." I spent the better half of this past year struggling with the unknown. At some point , my perspective shifted, and I realized yet again, it's okay to not know. I just have to wake up every day showing up, being present in the now, which looks different for everyone. You may be in a phase of transition where everything is changing. A phase where you don't know what one day from the next is going to look like. Maybe God is preparing your heart in the transition. Maybe you are in a stage of singleness and you don't know why God has you here in singleness because you desire companionship SO badly. Maybe you are desiring to have kids and you don't understand why you are not getting pregnant. Maybe you are a teacher sitting in a classroom, looking around and thinking to yourself , "I don't know why I put myself through this year after year."

Wherever you are, whoever you are, whatever your " I don't know" is, here is your reminder : it's okay to not know. I repeat, it's OKAY to NOT know.

****

When I sat down and wrote my first sentence, I set a timer on my phone. I told myself, "self, I know you don't know what to write about, but you just write until you get to the ten minute mark." I just looked down at my phone, and its been fifty four minutes and eighteen seconds. Sometimes not knowing means picking up the pencil and notebook, setting the timer on your stopwatch app on your phone, and writing " I don't know what to write." It's truly amazing how fast time goes by and how much you actually had to say, without a plan, with an open page, open mind, and open heart.

Here's to writing into the unknown, taking what was supposed to be ten minutes, turned into one hour, opening your mind and heart, giving into God's whisper saying, "Do it. Just do it." 

You are strong, you are loved, you are brave, you are capable and you can do hard things. Lets make today extraordinary.

~Melissa