It's Okay to say It's Hard

I am sitting in the bathtub with three different candle scents going around me. We ran out of our favorite candle scent and Walmart did not have any more in stock, so I was left with the "emergency use" candles (you know, those candles you receive as a gift that are not your favorite scent but you feel obligated to keep them, we all have them. You're not alone). This is the first breath I have had in six days. My husband's parents came into town (which I am incredibly grateful for), our daughter had surgery, we had our weekly small group gathering that meets on Wednesday's at our house with record attendance of twenty-five people, I recently started watching the sweetest family of kids and have five kids in our home a couple days a week, I also work part time at a farm, all on top of running off of a total of six hours of sleep (yes, you read that right) total for the week because Willow (our daughter, who is 2.5 years old) had a rough recovery from her surgery. Exhausted is a total understatement.

It. has. been. hard.

Even though the week was incredibly draining and tiring, I am still finding myself in awe of God's goodness and grace through it. There is so much darkness in the chaos of life, but there is also so much beauty to be found. Sitting in this tub, closing my eyes, I am replaying glimpses of joy throughout the week. Our house has been filled with people, laughter, tears from young and old, nonstop noise, a lot of shared meals, and so much love. While hard, this is what all of my dreams have been made of.

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I never really knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I obviously had dreams and aspirations but I never really expected to reach them. School always came very hard to me. I always had to work, what seemed like, five thousand times harder than the average person to accomplish and achieve a decent grade. It wasnt that I didn't try or that I was lazy, everything was extremely difficult for me to understand and comprehend. I had incredible anxiety surrounding school. I remember in fifth grade, we were getting ready to take our end of grade test. My teacher knew I struggled and had extreme test anxiety. Before the test started, she pulled me outside of the classroom. She gave me some peanut butter crackers and told me to breathe. She had me do some stretches with my hands, and gave me a high five and pep talk, reminding me that I could do it, and that she believed in me. There were so many other students in the class, other things going on, but she took the time to "see me" and speak encouragement over me. I think of that teacher often and the impact that moment of noticing a young, terrified, people pleaser student like myself, made on my life . She was an incredibly hard teacher with very high expectations, but looking back, I realize it was because she believed in us. Throughout my whole schooling journey, there were moments I would take myself back to that moment outside of my fifth grade classroom and see the teacher who believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. Little did I know, I would find myself going to school and graduating with a degree in Child Development / Early Childhood Education. It wasn't an easy journey, but I did it.

It. was. hard, but I made it through.

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My last day inside of a classroom was June 13, 2023. I spent five years in an Early Head Start Classroom, and before that I spent time in private childcare and home childcare. I spent over ten years inside a classroom, 3 years devoted to earning a degree in education, only to find myself closing the door to education altogether years later.

The decision to leave and close that door was not one taken lightly.

It. was . hard.

It was hard to leave. It was hard to close the door to something I knew God had given me a gifting for. Unfortunately, like all careers, education got messy. I eventually had a mental breakdown, and it became evident that it was time to step away.

Being a classroom teacher, especially with littles, you evolve into a master of disguise and learn to wear and carry the "hats" of many. You become so much more than a teacher and the students become so much more than your students. They become a part of your heart and you become a part of theirs. I always joked that I had "16 part time kids and two kids of my own" because every year my heart grew by 16 more. Eventually it became incredibly exhausting on my heart to stretch across the lives of so many. My own biological kids were affected by the stretch of my heart and I realized I was living in such a fog. I was "Mom" to so many, by the time I came home from work, I did not have anything left for my own family.

I lived in that "fog" for over five years. In October 2022, it all came crashing down. It was the breaking point that my husband said "we have to get you out, you can't do this." We really did not know what the next steps were or how we were going to continue to move forward. I was literally living in survival mode at home and at work. In every area of my life, I was doing all I could to survive. At the time, we lived about forty five minutes from where I worked. Our son was going to the school I was teaching at, but was not allowed to stay after school for the last hour of my work day, so he had to go to an afterschool program. Our daughter was also in childcare, but the childcare she was at , at the time, did not offer after school care, so Gabriel went to one childcare in the middle of town for afterschool, and Willow went to another childcare further into town. I would leave work anywhere between 2:45pm - 3:00pm every day, pick up Gabriel by 3:30, Willow by 4:00, and we wouldn't get home until 5:00, some days even 5:30pm. My husband, Travis, didn't get off work until 6:00pm and wouldn't get home until 6:45pm. When we got home, I would have to unload, start dinner, we would eat when Travis came in, and eventually get the kids down for bed by 7:30pm at the latest, to start it all again for the next day. Even writing it all out I'm exhausted and have no idea how we did it. But I realize, we did it because we had to, we were all surviving.

It. was. hard.

My last day of teaching in a classroom was June 13, 2023, and we moved to Raleigh June 14, 2023. The move to Raleigh has literally been the best decision we have ever made. Since moving, I have taken time off working a full time job. We took a HUGE leap of faith and moved into a house three times bigger than our previous house along with a higher monthly mortgage, and cut our salary in half . But God...

God has literally shown up in ways we can't even comprehend or express. We have been able to maintain and live and fully be present as a family. My kids are receiving all of me. Every part of my heart and attention is now able to fully be devoted to their lives, their hearts. I have had the honor of homeschooling our son, Gabriel, and lay the foundations of learning so he can continue to grow and learn moving forward. I have been able to advocate for our daughter in ways that have led to major developments in her well being. I am able to serve and love my husband in a much higher capacity than before.

Our life and well being has significantly changed for the better because I was finally able to recognize and admit this is hard. I think, for my own well being and for the well being of my family, I need to step away. I need to refocus and reframe, because my family deserves the best of me. And it is okay to admit that it is hard.

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While this week has been hard, I am so grateful. I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to be present in the life of my family. I am thankful that I am able to be here for my daughter as she is navigating some hard things. I am thankful I am able to be here for my son as his mind is growing and I am the one he is able to run to and ask all the "why's" to. For the first time , I truly feel like a mom. Like after all the years of searching and wondering what I am supposed to do with my life, it's exactly what I am doing now. Showing up, even on the hard days. Showing up and giving my family all of me.

Wherever you are, whoever you are, I challenge you to take the first steps in whatever it is you feel God pulling at your heart to do. If you feel trapped, or like you are in a fog in your career, I encourage you to take the step and do what your heart is telling you to do. If you feel a "fog" in the day to day mundaneness of life and you want to start something new, do it.

We only have one life to live. One opportunity to say "Yes" to new adventures or say "No" to something you really just don't want to do. Saying "yes" to the life you want far better exceeds the difficulties you will find doing something you are not meant to do. The journey to whatever you are wanting to do, I can guarantee is going to be hard. It is okay to say its hard, but despite how hard it is, every step is worth it. Every move you make is held with the promise of a new and better tomorrow.

So here are your peanut butter crackers, your hand stretches, your high five, and the pep talk from someone who truly believes in you.

You are strong, you are loved, you are brave, you are capable and you can do hard things. Let's make today extraordinary.

-Melissa